Why Pickup Trucks Are the Worst Things on the Road

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I hate pickup trucks.

Okay, I should clarify. I do not hate all pickup trucks. If your truck is emblazoned with the name of a business and covered in ladders, or kinda rusty and filled with your friend’s stuff because you’re helping them move, that’s cool. You’re probably cool too, since you are using your pickup truck powers for good.

The rest of you pickup drivers can go fuck yourselves, though.

Now, you may be saying, “Hey, Chelsea, what have pickup truck drivers ever done to you?” And to that, I invite you to take a ride in my car with me. Because I drive a MINI Cooper.

This is my MINI. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

This is my MINI. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Disclaimer for the above photo, since it’s already been pointed out multiple times: it’s parked in a handicapped spot because I took this picture when I took delivery. The dealer parked it in that spot because they had an incident where a customer backed into a brand new car that was waiting to be picked up. I’m not that much of an asshole.

I love my car to pieces. It is cute and red, much like me (or so I tell myself anyways). It has been my dream car since I was 14. It is fun to drive, and very easy to park. It is also a personal affront to the every small penis’d pickup truck driver in Rochester. I say “small penis’d” because a complete and utter lack of any self-confidence is the only reason I can think of for the displays of aggression I experience towards a tiny lady driving a tiny car. If driving three inches away from my bumper, or screaming out your window at me makes you feel like a man, well, you have a pretty weird definition of manhood. And don’t try to tell me you’re not compensating when you’re driving a “Big Horn” edition truck. Seriously, that’s a real thing.

Not pictured: The tool driving it.

Not pictured: The tool driving it.

I used to have a perfectly normal size Subaru Impreza, so I know it’s not just me. When I drove that car, the roads were at peace. Nobody rode my ass (phrasing!). I didn’t get condescending waves as I passed someone. It was a simpler time, really.

Maybe part of the problem is that I try to pass pickup trucks to drive in front of them. I don’t do this because I need to be in front, but rather because I can’t see around your giant jacked-up testosterone-mobile. My approximate line of sight is with your bumper, while your approximate line of sight is over the fucking top of my car. It’s like letting the short person stand in front of you at a concert. BE POLITE, DAMMIT. But no, letting a small car in front of you is apparently a sign of weakness and defeat, and must be aggressively defended against at all costs, including passing on the right shoulder.

If, by some miracle of “speeding like a motherfucker”, I manage to actually get myself ahead of a pickup truck, this act must be avenged, typically by tailgating me so closely I could probably change your oil from my backseat. Now, I will admit, I have been guilty of tailgating people before. (Get out of the fast lane if you’re only doing 55, please and thank you.) But being tailgated by a MINI is kind of like having a mosquito hovering around your neck: annoying, but it can’t really do shit. Getting tailgated by a pickup when all you can see is this…

Relax, I took this picture at a stoplight.

Relax, I took this picture at a stoplight.

…IS TERRIFYING. And that’s actually plenty of space compared to some of the incidents I’ve had.

Basically, what I’m trying to say to all you vanity pickup truck drivers out there is: I GET IT. If you’re driving a gigantic pickup that could easily fit my car in the bed, but it’s covered in chrome, fancy logos, and is so pristinely clean that it looks like you’ve you just driven it off the lot, you’re not using it to haul construction supplies, you’re using it to haul around your massive ego and crippling insecurities. And it doesn’t make you a big manly man. It makes you a really shitty person.

Please stop slapping me in the face with your testosterone.

Please stop slapping me in the face with your testosterone.

P.S. Eat my dust, bitches.

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4 thoughts on “Why Pickup Trucks Are the Worst Things on the Road

  1. S. W.

    You can perhaps understand the indignity that I, a responsible sedan driver, face on a daily basis while driving every day in Houston, TX. And here in the South (aka ‘Murrica) its not just poorly-endowed men that indulge in this affront to decent driving; nay, but the women partake in it just as brazenly!

    Perhaps if & when we get a progressive government, we can regulate who can and cannot buy what really should be classified as a commercial vehicle. This is why all of us can’t have nice things!

    Thank you for letting me vent just a bit. Fantastic MINI, btw.

  2. Hjoseph7

    I love this post pick-up/SUV drivers are some of the most immature people on the road. The Government should put commercials on TV about these a-hole people to see how silly they look.

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